This is the first night in a long time that I have had completely to myself, and I must admit that it is pretty fabulous. I edited some pictures, ate some leftover pizza, went to Borders, watched a movie, and now, at 1:24 in the morning, I thought it a good time to write that blog I have been meaning to write.
You see, (you being the four people who read this) I have this incredible addiction to surveys. I have loved filling them out since college, and last year, when I received one in my email, I was so pleased to get it going with my group of friends. For a few days, it seemed that nearly everyone was drifting back to 1999, and I actually learned quite a few tidbits of insight, which I really quite enjoy. So, when this "16-Things" survey started circulating around Facebook, I got nervous. If I did this honestly, I didn't want it to be a Facebook message. If I didn't do it honestly, then what would be the point in doing it? I think that we all desire connection with others, and I think there is something to be said for learning more about a person as you invest time in a friendship. It is easy to get stagnant. It is easy to watch movies and depend on memories. I think little surveys, however cliche or stupid they may be, actually help jump-start renewed interest in getting to know each other.
Or wait, maybe they are just a way for people to waste time while supposedly studying for finals. Does anyone else think about this stuff? Seriously, I have been tormented about what I would choose to tell the world (the four of you) that would reveal a little about who I am. I don't talk to people like I used to, so here is my chance. This will certainly not be funny enough. I will also repeat words, which will annoy me.
1. I actually don't think it is necessarily right, but I think I value humor and intelligence above most qualities. And integrity. It is often a goal of mine (sub-conscious until I think it over) to create something that makes people laugh. I want to be around people who make me laugh, make me think, and tell it to me straight. Is there better company than that?
2. I am fascinated by the way people work in community with each other. I am fascinated by the workings of the brain as well. I don't care so much about the biological side of life; I am tremendously intrigued by the psychological and sociological aspects of human interactions. I feel that if I ever choose to pursue a higher degree, it will have to be in one of these sciences. (However, I fear research, so I doubt it will ever happen.)
3. I have so many passions, and I have so many goals. There is much I want to accomplish in my life, but I often feel that I choose to get on Facebook or watch the Food Network. I get tired thinking about all that I want to do, but I still want to do it. I just don't want to let anyone down in the process, especially myself.
4. Major goal: write a book. This past summer, I decided that my book would be about "America." I want to travel across the United States during one summer and document life through pictures and interviews. I know it is has been done, so I don't know how to spin it to make it publishable, but I think it would be amazing. AMAZING.
5. Whenever I am in the middle of grading a lot of papers, I get really fidgety. I can't sit in one place for more than thirty minutes at a time, and I have to have something else distracting me, or I start to feel really nervous. (This is gross, just warning you...) Often, my already-disgusting feet get ravished during grading. If I have nothing else to do, I rip skin off of my feet to keep my hands busy. It is disgusting.
6. Speaking of disgusting, I am consumed with being overweight. I think about my weight no less than twenty-five times a day (probably a lot more), and I hate looking in the mirror or seeing myself in pictures. What is strange is that I don't want to be vain, and I also don't want to be fat. Yet, I really don't want to discipline my life in order to change that. I am consumed and trapped at the same time. Really, though, I pull the lid over my head and hold on tightly. No matter, I hate the way I look; I hate that I hate the way I look; I hate that the way we look matters so much, and I hate that I don't do anything about it. And I hate that I feel that I should. But don't. You get the cycle. It is monstrous.
7. Sometimes, I feel paralyzed by all that I wish I could do but can't. I have never once thought, "Geesh, I wish I could be a better skateboarder," or "Well, golly, I am dying because I can't fly a plane." BUT, I wish I could write in a way that made Matt
and Eric happy. I wish I could drip words onto a page that made people gasp, rather than merely express some personal thoughts with correct grammar. My favorite authors have basically been a few students and Donald Miller because their writing makes me feel, makes me connect. I want to create writing like that and fear that I never will. I talk about it a lot, but I think it bothers me more than almost anything else. And, I wish I could play sports like Drew, an unlimited amount of fearlessness and athleticism that would afford me the right to compete in basically anything I tried. There are more, but the more I think of all that I can't do, the less thankful I am for what I can.
8. I have the best job in the world. Hands down. I am extraordinarily blessed.
9. I vacillate between a complete sense of calm and a complete sense of despondency when it comes to my life as a single woman. As I get older, there are many days when I can't imagine being married (to anything other than school), and I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, and there are other days when I know how much I would love knowing someone completely (as humanly possible). Part of me thinks I will never get married, which would be fine. Part of me wonders why in the world God would make me so relationally programmed if I were not going to end up in the ultimate human relationship one day.
10. Similar to 9, I honestly don't know if I want to have children. It isn't going to happen without a husband, obviously, but the concept of being a mother is hard for me to imagine. It wasn't always that way.
11. I really like cleanliness, but I am terribly bad at maintaining such a state in my classroom, my car, and my apartment. I HATE the following chores: doing the dishes, laundry, organizing papers, and above all, raking. :) (I know it doesn't belong, but I had to put it on there.)
12. I haven't been to the doctor, other than when I broke my foot, in about five years. Up until last week when I cracked my tooth, it was longer for the dentist. I have some of the best health insurance around, but I fail to make appointments for stuff like that. I have so many responsibilities that include other people depending on me; medical duties for myself always get pushed aside. (So do the above chores, actually.) This is yet another aspect of my personality that is annoying to me; yet, I do nothing about it.
13. I love sitting in a dark room when a Christmas tree is lit. When I was little, I would scoot up to the tree, lay down on my back, and put my head under the base of the tree. I loved looking at the twinkling lights from that perspective in the silence of a winter evening. Christmas trees calm me, and I always HATE unplugging them.
14. Although I LOVE watching live theater, whenever I do so, I inevitably feel a bit melancholy. In the same way that I get a strange longing for college when I am on college campuses, I always dream of being on stage whenever I see a play. In the same way that I dream of writing a book, I have no justifiable reason for such a wish. I have seen limited audiences from the viewpoint of a character, and I have received no encouragement that I could ever be successful in writing; yet, I feel both are an intrinsic part of who I am, a part that has yet to be fully discovered.
15. My dad is an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over staying with his family. Although I am actually grateful that my parents got divorced, I think this truth about my life has defined way more of who I am than I even realize. And, I also think I have spent much of my life running away from that fact.
16. I want to learn how to ballroom dance SO MUCH.
17. I don't know how to put on eyeshadow, and I am jealous of those who do.
18. I am thinking about getting a perm (body wave kind of thing). I was inspired by Sarah's hair at the Christmas party. Aubry, would this be a terrible idea?
19. I really hate it when people use symbols and numbers in place of letters to create words about themselves. I don't understand why people can't just use the words? It makes them look less intelligent, and that bothers me that it doesn't bother them.
20. If there is any kind of snack mix or pita chip in my vicinity, I will devour the entire bag before the night is through.
21. Peppermint hot chocolate from Borders makes life just a little better.
22. I am utterly afraid of getting older. Yet, my fascination for life grows as I live longer and longer. I guess I am stuck in a paradox of sorts. I love and hate that.
