Letter 8--Hi, you don't know me, but...

So, I am doing this challenge on my own time. I figured no one will really mind.

Today's letter is supposed to be to my favorite Internet friend. Does this imply that I am supposed to have friends who are only known to me because of the Internet? I don't think I have those. Should I pick the person who makes me laugh the most on the Internet? The person who has a blog I check each day? The person I stalk the most on Facebook? (Don't tell me you don't have those people.) Well, I can't pick a favorite, so I will take a different route. (Surprise.)

I wonder if Facebook has ruined me permanently.

During last Spring, when I was uber-busy, I realized that my only communication with the outside world once I left school was Facebook. I didn't see my friends, I didn't talk to my friends, but I would see what they were doing on Facebook. As sorry as this sounds, there was a period of time when Facebook was my social life.

Even now, when I am not nearly as busy, I know I hunger for real fellowship and camaraderie in my life because Facebook just doesn't cut it. When I got home from my trip, I was so depressed that I would hope for photo comments to make it seem like real conversation was happening. This sounds so pathetic, but it is true.

Would I be an absolute hermit if Facebook didn't exist? OR, would my relationships be more meaningful because I would have to try harder, rather than relying on simple status updates or pictures to make me think I know what is going on in people's lives? I am not sure I know the answer.

I do know that I spend too much time on Facebook, but it really is useful. And I love witty people. And I love the ease of communication for clubs and such. And I love keeping in touch with people who aren't here right now. I love all of that. I wonder if the fad will end. I wonder what will take its place, what major life-changing web page will happen next. I keep waiting to see when it will no longer be useful, when it is old hat. (I held onto my xanga for a lot longer than most people...) I don't know. Huge societal changes fascinate me. The world will never be the same. I will never be the same. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is true.

I just don't know if I am better.

Letter 7--I know why it took me so long.

Hey, online world.

I decided to return tonight.

I left off at Letter #7. This one is supposed to be to an ex-boyfriend/crush/love. I shudder at the thought.

Dear __________________,

I wrote poems about you, to you. I kinda laugh at myself now when I stumble upon all of the musings in old journals about you. You are not just one person. Technically, you could be, but no, my heart was broken many times. I was told I loved too much, too readily, too easily. I was told I played all the wrong games, set myself up for disappointment. Maybe so. I hate those kinds of games. Still do.

You taught me that I am intrigued and intimidated by shyness. I always fall for guys who are tall, intelligent, and competitive. I deeply desire to be with someone I can trust, someone who knows me, someone I know. I love when you make me laugh. You taught me to be careful, to stop assuming that little things mean big things. You taught me to quit wishing for signs that were not there. You taught me never to take the first step, for fear of losing everything. You taught me what it feels like to be discarded. You taught me what it means to be a friend.

I hold no anger, really. I just sobered up, stopped dancing in the daze of hope.

And I have you to thank for that.

EDIT: Holy muffin-top, Batman. Upon second read, that sounded like the biggest bowl of angsty fifteen-year-old soup I have ever consumed.

I'm coming back, I promise.

I know I said I would be back after the trip, but just give me a few more days.

(As if anyone cares. I just feel less guilty this way.)