...for lack of what is found there.

I am currently sitting in the "business office" at the Hilton Garden Inn at Riverside. Long Island is lovely, really. There is this weird juxtaposition of being right by the ocean and the bay and pretty close to Manhattan. I don't know. Each house has a personality, and there is still a good deal of farmland.

I have been here since Thursday for Nana's funeral.

That was a shock.

I can't really describe the gammut of emotions that I have felt over the past two weeks. A lot has happened in a very short amount of time, and it is hard for me to comprehend. The reality of Nana's death hasn't truly sunk in yet. I have said my goodbyes, but the day-to-day reality of it hasn't even begun, I don't think, especially for my mom.

It is so strange. Over the past five years, as Nana has slowly shed the skin of her younger, more elegant self, I have reached the excesses of my patience, and I have tasted true anger, pity, sorrow, and helplessness. This was not easy, but it became my life. She became my life to some degree. And, a week and a half ago (is that all?), when she fell, I am not sure I could have been more angry at the world. I feel ashamed now for that, but that will pass. Oops. I digressed. Considering all of the complications, her death was actually quite simple. She drifted off to eternal rest quite peacefully with my mom by her side. Her struggle only lasted a few hours.

All this weekend, I have heard stories from my extensive extended family about the "Aunt Lee" they knew. She was full of life and elegance and grace and style and glamour. I didn't want to spoil their vision. Toward the end, it was hard for her to get out of her robe each day, and I guess God knew that her struggle need not last any longer. We didn't have to see her lose her mind entirely, and we got to eat at Bonefish two nights in a row, where she got decked out, fur coat and all. I got to cook Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for her, and she had the chance to see Andrew dance one last time. Three weeks ago, she saw her sister and her entire family at a wedding, and although it was tough, I believe that was even a greater gift for them.

She was special.

Each part of this weekend, the viewing, the funeral service, the meals together, the flowers, the kind words...everything was so special. Everything had a beauty to it that I could not deny. I cried fewer tears than my family, and for the most part, I smiled knowing that Nana is enjoying heaven, knowing that Nana enjoyed life.