I'd Rather Today.

Today was so hectic.

And great.

At one point in the day, I was freaking out about something I had forgotten about, and a teacher said, "You have to give some of your stuff up." Another teacher overheard and said, "She can't."

I chuckled. And then I thought...teacher #2 is correct. Giving up NHS won't be hard; I think I gave it up a long time ago, but all the rest...it all means so much to me. I have been warned numerous times that I will burn out. I have been told not to give my life to the school. When I am absolutely consumed by the extras and I can't grade, I wonder if I am doing too much to the disadvantage of my students. Am I being unfair to those who are actually in my classes?

I might be a bit melodramatic. That side of me comes out when I am under a lot of stress and have had little sleep. (For instance, right now, the clock is ticking on my research paper...it is due in two and a half hours. I am writing this instead. I am an idiot.) No matter...I guess I just came to the conclusion that my job is to teach English, but my passion is to enhance the lives of my students. Now, don't get me wrong. I try to do that in my English classes as well, but things like Schools for Schools and Mini-O and Creative Writing Club and FCA are bigger than English. They are bigger than me. I like it that way.

Today was probably my favorite Mini-O yet.

Even though some haven't learned that being creative and goofy is much more fun than...well...dressing like a prostitute...for everyone involved, or that no one likes overt egotism, the day was simply grand. (Note to people with issues: It is fun to win. Enjoy it. Don't shove it down people's throats.) Anyway, all 18 teams were on time and ready to go. (Miracle.) Many teams really worked hard and had great costumes. We're on the upswing of Mini-O; I can feel it. Underclassmen have goals. Seniors getting excited about playing dress-up for a day means everything to next year's seniors and so on and so on; excitement is contagious. After school, thanks to great teacher volunteers and teams that actually listened, the Olympics ran like clockwork. I got to enjoy it. It seems like everyone did. People cheered and fell and clapped and ran and slid and pulled and tugged and weirdly hugged each other (I HATE that tennis ball relay)...and they had fun. I know it.

I LOVE watching people play. We are so often concerned with growing up and being mature that we forget what it is like to have fun like children. As we grow, fun often gets attached to getting drunk or sitting around and relaxing, and we forget how to play games. We forget how awesome recess was. We forget that creativity and teamwork and silly games can create memories that last. I am not trying to make the Mini-Olympics more important than they are. It is, in reality, just one tiny day in a lifetime of days. But I want people to hold onto the feeling of running around in the sun cheering and clapping and slipping and sliding and tugging and hugging, you know?

Don't be afraid to have costume parties when you are 27 and 87. Don't forget that relay races never go out of style. Really, I mean it. It is almost poetic to watch students about to graduate running around like fifth graders. It feels right.

And so, when someone tells me that I should give it up, I imagine I would end up feeling wrong. I'd rather today.

Goodness, I want to ballroom dance.

There are a lot of things I should be doing right now, but I just got to thinking.

We have a lot of cliches to describe "moments." We have "the calm before the storm," the "blink of an eye," the "life flashing before our eyes," etc. Each of my days is packed. When I get into my car at the end of the day, I usually exhale quite loudly. I know that I must go home and tackle Part II, but Part I usually feels like warp speed. Seriously, my days FLY. My nights do too, but most of the time, no one is coming to me with questions or forms or stories or complaints, etc. I am "on stage" for a good portion of every day, hoping I don't miss my lines or stumble into an entrance too late. Night brings sleepy eyes and so many distractions. It brings thoughts about what to do tomorrow, and it brings thoughts of what I didn't accomplish today. But, once in a while, when I am really lucky, I can rewind and see those moments that mattered.

It is as if I am in a constant state of fast-forward, but ever so often, the DVD slows almost to a pause...the screen shifts...the colors get bolder...and then, just as quickly as it slowed, fast-forward resumes. So, when I look back on my days, all combined, it is easy to miss the movie. It is easy to forget the dialogue, to lack conviction and passion, to get to one part without having understand the scene before. I cherish the slow. Goodness, I have to remember to breathe. A pocket-sized Deep Space. A laugh shared amongst freshmen in Blue 4. Nineteen seniors excited about their own Mini-O, their only Mini-O. Being there for my mother in the midst of hell. Ballroom dancing through my apartment with no one leading.

Slow down.

I can't stand fast-forward anymore.

Hmmm...

If I didn't teach classes...I could probably conquer the next four weeks without a nervous breakdown.

Considering the fact that I do, I think avoiding an eventual loss of sanity is an impossibility at this point.

Just a Scratch

I promised I would write about NKOTB. I really want to do that, but after forty minutes of saving pictures for that very occasion, I ran out of juice and don't have the brainpower to do anything creative or witty.
So, instead, I will do what I always do. Make THE LIST. You know what I mean...what I have to do until the end of the year. This one is exciting. I will put it in parts.

FCA

• New Officers
• Ultimate Frisbee Tourney
• Remaining Meetings
• Cook-out?

Schools for Schools

• The Walk-a-Thon…the fact that this only gets one line is humorous.

Creative Writing Club

• Deep Space goes to the printers on Friday. OH MY GOODNESS there is a lot to do by then...DONE
• Then, when we get it back, we have to distribute.
• Spring Fling Celebration
• Staff Applications and Decisions for next year
  

Mini-Olympics

• Ummm...run it.

The IDEA Reunion

• Ummm...plan it.
  

Graduate School

• The amount of work I have to do for this is UNCANNY, and the majority of the hardest stuff will fall during the last two weeks of school. Oh good. There is so much to do that I don't even want to bother listing it all here. Basically, as things are going, I will devote two nights a week to my studies to ensure the maintaining of my fairly decent GPA.
  

Oh yea! I teach!
11CP

• Novel papers...umm...when did those get turned in?
• Grade One-Pagers...DONE
  
• Create Modernism Test/Grade it...Halfway Done
  
• Create rubric for group teaching unit/grade analysis essays as well as group performance
• Administer and grade writing prompts
• Alter/grade finals
• Grade final assignment

9CP

• Grade R&J projects...DONE
• Grade R&J tests...Half-way DONE
  
• I JUST DECIDED RIGHT NOW...CANCEL R&J character analysis...I can't grade them!
• Begin Science-Fiction Unit--re-work it...create homework assignments...etc.
• Science-Fiction Unit Assignment? Create it...grade it...
• Grammar stuffs?
  
• Administer and grade writing prompts
• Grade final assignment
• Grade finals

9HGT

• Finish grading research papers
• Grade book projects...DONE
• Grade/create the rest of the vocabulary quizzes and test...Half-way DONE
  
• Put together all new class-chosen project...and run it for the school...OH GEESH.
• Put together new literary analysis assignments/grade these
• Grammar stuffs
• Grade final assignment
• Grade finals

Is that all? I feel like I am missing stuff...but this is good for me to get out of my head and onto...paper. Anything else?

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

May God be glorified GREATLY in the next six weeks.

Speaking of Tours

Here's a hint:

















More to come tomorrow, I promise.

Let me Take You on a Tour

Let me see if I get can get you to understand without sounding like a whiny baby, which is what I usually feel like.

So, until a few days ago, this was what my room had become. I know that many who read this (I only know one person who reads this for sure, but I will keep writing...) might not think this is a big deal, but you need to understand. I used to clean my apartment every week. When I lived with Adri, the messiness of Caleb nearly drove me over the edge. He was never this messy. But, somehow, I have gotten further and and further away from me. I just started letting this go, something that I could have actually easily controlled, because I just had too much else to do. Did I really? I don't know, but somehow, when I wasn't doing stuff that mattered, I certainly didn't want to be cleaning.

But, finally, last week, I decided that enough was enough. I had to go back.













I still have so much to do, but this was like climbing Mt. Everest for me. At midnight last Monday, I was busy organizing shelves in the kitchen. At 1am, I decided that it might not be wise to vacuum, only after finishing the dining room. Seriously, a weight lifted from my shoulders (even though I have yet to conquer the bathroom or finish the "den"), and I felt more whole than I had felt in a long time.

And, I wonder...why would cleaning ever make me feel so good? It lends me to believe that absolutely everything is spiritual, that our identity and our actions are all rolled into who we are created to be and what we have been created to do, and part of me, at least after this little victory, has realized that order is always going to be better than chaos. It isn't always going to be more exciting or more interesting, but in the end, it works.

Is this some huge epiphany? No.
But, maybe my problem is not being too busy. Maybe it is that I create chaos.