Getting My Hands Dirty

So, I just watched Blood Diamond. It was very good. It was good for the reasons for which you don't want to say a movie is good. Do you know what I mean?

And it, along with numerous other influences in my life recently, made me think again about how big the world is and how small I try to live it. And my heart has recently been on this strange ride that fluctuates between apathetic and raging with fire to correct injustice in any possible way. I just have so much to learn; it is overwhelming. But, I don't want to sit on the sidelines, and I want to bring people along with me. I seriously want to play this game.

I guess, sometimes, I wonder where my life will take me. I have always thought of myself as kind of a down-home kind of girl. I have always wanted roots that run deep, and I pretty much banked on the fact that I would reside in Perry Township and teach in Perry Township for the rest of my days. I would get married and have a family, and my children would play with Aubry's children. All of our friends would grow older together, at some point abandoning our need to act like children to become adults, and then our children would be children together. Yes, that dream has played out in my mind once or twice.

But, what if I never have a family? What if that just isn't going to happen? Is it such a bad fate after all?

What if I realize that I could be used somewhere else, doing work that not many other people, especially those with families, would ever do? What if it is my plan to shake things up a bit out in the wide open spaces of lands far away?

What if?

What if I am supposed to be the teacher running for office? What if I am supposed to lead educational reform, rather than shut my door and teach it? What if my voice could travel to Washington? What if I could be a voice of reason in the midst of irrationality?

What if?

What if I am not going to do what I always thought I would do? What if I have to dig up my roots and live on my feet for a while? Would I be missed? Would it matter? Is it supposed to matter?

I just feel this rumbling inside of me, and I am not sure what it is, but maybe my dream of changing the world through the lives of my students is not where my story is supposed to end. Maybe I am supposed to be more. Well, not more. Just different.

What if?