Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
My Apologies
That last post was a little outlandish. I mean, it was true, but I don't think I needed to post it. :)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Faithful readers! (Tumbleweeds stretch across the horizon, and an echo comes back to me...reader, reader, reader...)
I want YOU to tell me what to write about next. I have far too many ideas, so I just sit and stare at the computer.
I want YOU to tell me what to write about next. I have far too many ideas, so I just sit and stare at the computer.
- Movies that have defined my life
- My take on love stories
- Why I am in love with storytelling
- my favorite childhood memories
- the death of life (in the form of my grandmother)
- my experience with w131
- my most embarassing moments
- your pick?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
16...22...
This is the first night in a long time that I have had completely to myself, and I must admit that it is pretty fabulous. I edited some pictures, ate some leftover pizza, went to Borders, watched a movie, and now, at 1:24 in the morning, I thought it a good time to write that blog I have been meaning to write.
You see, (you being the four people who read this) I have this incredible addiction to surveys. I have loved filling them out since college, and last year, when I received one in my email, I was so pleased to get it going with my group of friends. For a few days, it seemed that nearly everyone was drifting back to 1999, and I actually learned quite a few tidbits of insight, which I really quite enjoy. So, when this "16-Things" survey started circulating around Facebook, I got nervous. If I did this honestly, I didn't want it to be a Facebook message. If I didn't do it honestly, then what would be the point in doing it? I think that we all desire connection with others, and I think there is something to be said for learning more about a person as you invest time in a friendship. It is easy to get stagnant. It is easy to watch movies and depend on memories. I think little surveys, however cliche or stupid they may be, actually help jump-start renewed interest in getting to know each other.
Or wait, maybe they are just a way for people to waste time while supposedly studying for finals. Does anyone else think about this stuff? Seriously, I have been tormented about what I would choose to tell the world (the four of you) that would reveal a little about who I am. I don't talk to people like I used to, so here is my chance. This will certainly not be funny enough. I will also repeat words, which will annoy me.
1. I actually don't think it is necessarily right, but I think I value humor and intelligence above most qualities. And integrity. It is often a goal of mine (sub-conscious until I think it over) to create something that makes people laugh. I want to be around people who make me laugh, make me think, and tell it to me straight. Is there better company than that?
2. I am fascinated by the way people work in community with each other. I am fascinated by the workings of the brain as well. I don't care so much about the biological side of life; I am tremendously intrigued by the psychological and sociological aspects of human interactions. I feel that if I ever choose to pursue a higher degree, it will have to be in one of these sciences. (However, I fear research, so I doubt it will ever happen.)
3. I have so many passions, and I have so many goals. There is much I want to accomplish in my life, but I often feel that I choose to get on Facebook or watch the Food Network. I get tired thinking about all that I want to do, but I still want to do it. I just don't want to let anyone down in the process, especially myself.
4. Major goal: write a book. This past summer, I decided that my book would be about "America." I want to travel across the United States during one summer and document life through pictures and interviews. I know it is has been done, so I don't know how to spin it to make it publishable, but I think it would be amazing. AMAZING.
5. Whenever I am in the middle of grading a lot of papers, I get really fidgety. I can't sit in one place for more than thirty minutes at a time, and I have to have something else distracting me, or I start to feel really nervous. (This is gross, just warning you...) Often, my already-disgusting feet get ravished during grading. If I have nothing else to do, I rip skin off of my feet to keep my hands busy. It is disgusting.
6. Speaking of disgusting, I am consumed with being overweight. I think about my weight no less than twenty-five times a day (probably a lot more), and I hate looking in the mirror or seeing myself in pictures. What is strange is that I don't want to be vain, and I also don't want to be fat. Yet, I really don't want to discipline my life in order to change that. I am consumed and trapped at the same time. Really, though, I pull the lid over my head and hold on tightly. No matter, I hate the way I look; I hate that I hate the way I look; I hate that the way we look matters so much, and I hate that I don't do anything about it. And I hate that I feel that I should. But don't. You get the cycle. It is monstrous.
7. Sometimes, I feel paralyzed by all that I wish I could do but can't. I have never once thought, "Geesh, I wish I could be a better skateboarder," or "Well, golly, I am dying because I can't fly a plane." BUT, I wish I could write in a way that made Matt and Eric happy. I wish I could drip words onto a page that made people gasp, rather than merely express some personal thoughts with correct grammar. My favorite authors have basically been a few students and Donald Miller because their writing makes me feel, makes me connect. I want to create writing like that and fear that I never will. I talk about it a lot, but I think it bothers me more than almost anything else. And, I wish I could play sports like Drew, an unlimited amount of fearlessness and athleticism that would afford me the right to compete in basically anything I tried. There are more, but the more I think of all that I can't do, the less thankful I am for what I can.
8. I have the best job in the world. Hands down. I am extraordinarily blessed.
9. I vacillate between a complete sense of calm and a complete sense of despondency when it comes to my life as a single woman. As I get older, there are many days when I can't imagine being married (to anything other than school), and I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, and there are other days when I know how much I would love knowing someone completely (as humanly possible). Part of me thinks I will never get married, which would be fine. Part of me wonders why in the world God would make me so relationally programmed if I were not going to end up in the ultimate human relationship one day.
10. Similar to 9, I honestly don't know if I want to have children. It isn't going to happen without a husband, obviously, but the concept of being a mother is hard for me to imagine. It wasn't always that way.
11. I really like cleanliness, but I am terribly bad at maintaining such a state in my classroom, my car, and my apartment. I HATE the following chores: doing the dishes, laundry, organizing papers, and above all, raking. :) (I know it doesn't belong, but I had to put it on there.)
12. I haven't been to the doctor, other than when I broke my foot, in about five years. Up until last week when I cracked my tooth, it was longer for the dentist. I have some of the best health insurance around, but I fail to make appointments for stuff like that. I have so many responsibilities that include other people depending on me; medical duties for myself always get pushed aside. (So do the above chores, actually.) This is yet another aspect of my personality that is annoying to me; yet, I do nothing about it.
13. I love sitting in a dark room when a Christmas tree is lit. When I was little, I would scoot up to the tree, lay down on my back, and put my head under the base of the tree. I loved looking at the twinkling lights from that perspective in the silence of a winter evening. Christmas trees calm me, and I always HATE unplugging them.
14. Although I LOVE watching live theater, whenever I do so, I inevitably feel a bit melancholy. In the same way that I get a strange longing for college when I am on college campuses, I always dream of being on stage whenever I see a play. In the same way that I dream of writing a book, I have no justifiable reason for such a wish. I have seen limited audiences from the viewpoint of a character, and I have received no encouragement that I could ever be successful in writing; yet, I feel both are an intrinsic part of who I am, a part that has yet to be fully discovered.
15. My dad is an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over staying with his family. Although I am actually grateful that my parents got divorced, I think this truth about my life has defined way more of who I am than I even realize. And, I also think I have spent much of my life running away from that fact.
16. I want to learn how to ballroom dance SO MUCH.
17. I don't know how to put on eyeshadow, and I am jealous of those who do.
18. I am thinking about getting a perm (body wave kind of thing). I was inspired by Sarah's hair at the Christmas party. Aubry, would this be a terrible idea?
19. I really hate it when people use symbols and numbers in place of letters to create words about themselves. I don't understand why people can't just use the words? It makes them look less intelligent, and that bothers me that it doesn't bother them.
20. If there is any kind of snack mix or pita chip in my vicinity, I will devour the entire bag before the night is through.
21. Peppermint hot chocolate from Borders makes life just a little better.
22. I am utterly afraid of getting older. Yet, my fascination for life grows as I live longer and longer. I guess I am stuck in a paradox of sorts. I love and hate that.
You see, (you being the four people who read this) I have this incredible addiction to surveys. I have loved filling them out since college, and last year, when I received one in my email, I was so pleased to get it going with my group of friends. For a few days, it seemed that nearly everyone was drifting back to 1999, and I actually learned quite a few tidbits of insight, which I really quite enjoy. So, when this "16-Things" survey started circulating around Facebook, I got nervous. If I did this honestly, I didn't want it to be a Facebook message. If I didn't do it honestly, then what would be the point in doing it? I think that we all desire connection with others, and I think there is something to be said for learning more about a person as you invest time in a friendship. It is easy to get stagnant. It is easy to watch movies and depend on memories. I think little surveys, however cliche or stupid they may be, actually help jump-start renewed interest in getting to know each other.
Or wait, maybe they are just a way for people to waste time while supposedly studying for finals. Does anyone else think about this stuff? Seriously, I have been tormented about what I would choose to tell the world (the four of you) that would reveal a little about who I am. I don't talk to people like I used to, so here is my chance. This will certainly not be funny enough. I will also repeat words, which will annoy me.
1. I actually don't think it is necessarily right, but I think I value humor and intelligence above most qualities. And integrity. It is often a goal of mine (sub-conscious until I think it over) to create something that makes people laugh. I want to be around people who make me laugh, make me think, and tell it to me straight. Is there better company than that?
2. I am fascinated by the way people work in community with each other. I am fascinated by the workings of the brain as well. I don't care so much about the biological side of life; I am tremendously intrigued by the psychological and sociological aspects of human interactions. I feel that if I ever choose to pursue a higher degree, it will have to be in one of these sciences. (However, I fear research, so I doubt it will ever happen.)
3. I have so many passions, and I have so many goals. There is much I want to accomplish in my life, but I often feel that I choose to get on Facebook or watch the Food Network. I get tired thinking about all that I want to do, but I still want to do it. I just don't want to let anyone down in the process, especially myself.
4. Major goal: write a book. This past summer, I decided that my book would be about "America." I want to travel across the United States during one summer and document life through pictures and interviews. I know it is has been done, so I don't know how to spin it to make it publishable, but I think it would be amazing. AMAZING.
5. Whenever I am in the middle of grading a lot of papers, I get really fidgety. I can't sit in one place for more than thirty minutes at a time, and I have to have something else distracting me, or I start to feel really nervous. (This is gross, just warning you...) Often, my already-disgusting feet get ravished during grading. If I have nothing else to do, I rip skin off of my feet to keep my hands busy. It is disgusting.
6. Speaking of disgusting, I am consumed with being overweight. I think about my weight no less than twenty-five times a day (probably a lot more), and I hate looking in the mirror or seeing myself in pictures. What is strange is that I don't want to be vain, and I also don't want to be fat. Yet, I really don't want to discipline my life in order to change that. I am consumed and trapped at the same time. Really, though, I pull the lid over my head and hold on tightly. No matter, I hate the way I look; I hate that I hate the way I look; I hate that the way we look matters so much, and I hate that I don't do anything about it. And I hate that I feel that I should. But don't. You get the cycle. It is monstrous.
7. Sometimes, I feel paralyzed by all that I wish I could do but can't. I have never once thought, "Geesh, I wish I could be a better skateboarder," or "Well, golly, I am dying because I can't fly a plane." BUT, I wish I could write in a way that made Matt and Eric happy. I wish I could drip words onto a page that made people gasp, rather than merely express some personal thoughts with correct grammar. My favorite authors have basically been a few students and Donald Miller because their writing makes me feel, makes me connect. I want to create writing like that and fear that I never will. I talk about it a lot, but I think it bothers me more than almost anything else. And, I wish I could play sports like Drew, an unlimited amount of fearlessness and athleticism that would afford me the right to compete in basically anything I tried. There are more, but the more I think of all that I can't do, the less thankful I am for what I can.
8. I have the best job in the world. Hands down. I am extraordinarily blessed.
9. I vacillate between a complete sense of calm and a complete sense of despondency when it comes to my life as a single woman. As I get older, there are many days when I can't imagine being married (to anything other than school), and I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, and there are other days when I know how much I would love knowing someone completely (as humanly possible). Part of me thinks I will never get married, which would be fine. Part of me wonders why in the world God would make me so relationally programmed if I were not going to end up in the ultimate human relationship one day.
10. Similar to 9, I honestly don't know if I want to have children. It isn't going to happen without a husband, obviously, but the concept of being a mother is hard for me to imagine. It wasn't always that way.
11. I really like cleanliness, but I am terribly bad at maintaining such a state in my classroom, my car, and my apartment. I HATE the following chores: doing the dishes, laundry, organizing papers, and above all, raking. :) (I know it doesn't belong, but I had to put it on there.)
12. I haven't been to the doctor, other than when I broke my foot, in about five years. Up until last week when I cracked my tooth, it was longer for the dentist. I have some of the best health insurance around, but I fail to make appointments for stuff like that. I have so many responsibilities that include other people depending on me; medical duties for myself always get pushed aside. (So do the above chores, actually.) This is yet another aspect of my personality that is annoying to me; yet, I do nothing about it.
13. I love sitting in a dark room when a Christmas tree is lit. When I was little, I would scoot up to the tree, lay down on my back, and put my head under the base of the tree. I loved looking at the twinkling lights from that perspective in the silence of a winter evening. Christmas trees calm me, and I always HATE unplugging them.
14. Although I LOVE watching live theater, whenever I do so, I inevitably feel a bit melancholy. In the same way that I get a strange longing for college when I am on college campuses, I always dream of being on stage whenever I see a play. In the same way that I dream of writing a book, I have no justifiable reason for such a wish. I have seen limited audiences from the viewpoint of a character, and I have received no encouragement that I could ever be successful in writing; yet, I feel both are an intrinsic part of who I am, a part that has yet to be fully discovered.
15. My dad is an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over staying with his family. Although I am actually grateful that my parents got divorced, I think this truth about my life has defined way more of who I am than I even realize. And, I also think I have spent much of my life running away from that fact.
16. I want to learn how to ballroom dance SO MUCH.
17. I don't know how to put on eyeshadow, and I am jealous of those who do.
18. I am thinking about getting a perm (body wave kind of thing). I was inspired by Sarah's hair at the Christmas party. Aubry, would this be a terrible idea?
19. I really hate it when people use symbols and numbers in place of letters to create words about themselves. I don't understand why people can't just use the words? It makes them look less intelligent, and that bothers me that it doesn't bother them.
20. If there is any kind of snack mix or pita chip in my vicinity, I will devour the entire bag before the night is through.
21. Peppermint hot chocolate from Borders makes life just a little better.
22. I am utterly afraid of getting older. Yet, my fascination for life grows as I live longer and longer. I guess I am stuck in a paradox of sorts. I love and hate that.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Lists Yet to be Written
1. Top Ten Movies that have defined my life.
2. Top Ten Moments " " " " ".
3. Ten Things You May Not Know About Me.
4. The Ten Fears of My Life.
5. Top Ten Lessons I Have Learned as a Teacher.
More? Who knows? These shall come.
2. Top Ten Moments " " " " ".
3. Ten Things You May Not Know About Me.
4. The Ten Fears of My Life.
5. Top Ten Lessons I Have Learned as a Teacher.
More? Who knows? These shall come.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I am insanely judgmental of people who are judgmental.
I get annoyed at those who talk about others being annoying.
I rarely laugh at people who want people to laugh at them.
Gossip makes me uncomfortable.
I am bothered by drinkers who constantly talk about drinking.
Or druggies (is that from fourth grade?) who constantly talk about drugs.
I stare down my nose at those who claim to be better.
I will talk your ear off and then complain about those who ramble.
People are my greatest fascination, but geesh, I am a walking contradiction.
(This didn't really make sense. I am sleepy.)
I get annoyed at those who talk about others being annoying.
I rarely laugh at people who want people to laugh at them.
Gossip makes me uncomfortable.
I am bothered by drinkers who constantly talk about drinking.
Or druggies (is that from fourth grade?) who constantly talk about drugs.
I stare down my nose at those who claim to be better.
I will talk your ear off and then complain about those who ramble.
People are my greatest fascination, but geesh, I am a walking contradiction.
(This didn't really make sense. I am sleepy.)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
"Psalm of Life"
As I "grow up," I am becoming more and more aware of what I value and respect and who I aspire to be. Since I am a teacher, you might not be surprised to know that I love people who love to think. I love students who want to soak in knowledge. I love students who take the time to filter through the rocks and dirt and come out on the other side with diamonds. A love of learning and a willingness to teach others are two qualities I greatly admire.
When this school year started, I realized something very fast. My two junior classes (B4 and S4) are collectively the best two junior classes I have taught. (Former students, please do not get mad at me...) From early on, I sensed an eagerness to participate, an appreciation of humor, and a legitimate interest in the material, at least more often than usual. I have caught myself bragging about my juniors quite a few times this year, and I am afraid of losing the sense of camaraderie that resides in both classes when the semester ends. Amidst the new faces I have met are some faces that I knew as freshmen. I thought I would not like having students at different stages of the game, but I now know that there is a joy that is attached to seeing a student grow up, to see him understand his own identity more clearly and often to see that student care about learning and success in a sincere and different way. Throughout this year, that joy has not been more abundant than when attached to thoughts of Thomas Imel.
Thomas was an average student as a freshman, seemingly smart enough to get by, but never putting forth more effort than necessary. He was inquisitive, but he was fairly sedate in class, so I never quite knew what was going on inside his head. Maybe I always unfairly assumed he didn't care too much about English, but my impression was that he wasn't living up to his potential.
When he walked into my room again as a junior, I expected the same. Nice kid. Has a sense of humor. Won't cause trouble. Will probably get a B or a B-.
I was wrong.
All year, Thomas did his work, and he did it well. All year, Thomas asked me questions that reflected deep thought on his part, and his ability to question and think became a welcome challenge to me and to the rest of the class. All year, Thomas voiced his opinions when he felt it necessary, but no matter if he was speaking, he was always there--always with me. Somehow, in a class of booming personalities, Thomas became a quiet leader. Without ever advertising for it, people started to look to him to offer his intelligent view on any particular subject. And yes, when the time was right, he certainly wasn't afraid to argue with Alex.
And when progress reports rolled around, and I got to tell Thomas that he had an A (I didn't tell him that he had the highest grade in the class), I asked him a simple question. "So, when did you decide that you were gonna start working?" His reply,"I work at something when it matters."
I didn't tell him, but that was the best complement I have received all year.
Actually, I didn't tell him any of this. I didn't tell him how much joy it gave me that he was working so hard. I didn't let him know that I was proud of him for becoming a student who I truly respect and admire. I didn't let him know that I thought his future was bound to be something special if he chose to embrace who I thought he could be. Really, all of these thoughts have crossed my mind over the last three months, but I never voiced them.
And now, as you may know, my opportunity is gone.
Last week, Thomas was in a serious car accident, and he has been struggling for his life ever since. Today, his struggle ceased. It is actually hard for me to write it, but today, Thomas died.
Again, we must learn how to cope with one of the toughest truths of life: death. Again, we must seek solace in our faith, in our friends and family, and in the hope that no matter how deep the pain sinks, joy will somehow surface again. Again, we must learn the sobering truth that we are only promised this moment, just this one, and how dare we take it for granted.
These lessons don't get easier. I am not an expert on dealing with death. I do know that I am here if you need to talk. I do know that moving on isn't an injustice, but it rarely happens overnight. Healing is a process as is grieving, and there is no rule book to help us do it faster or more easily or with fewer tears. I do know that life continues, and we all handle these times in different ways. It's okay. I stand before you (figuratively?) as a bumbling idiot, who doesn't really know what to think or feel or say, so, I will admit my inadequacy and do what I can to help. I do know that my best gift might be to give my students the sense of normalcy that we so crave in times like these. It is okay to smile in the midst of confusion and suffering, and so, laughter I will seek to share.
I challenge you to listen to his words. I challenge you to "work at what matters." I challenge you to challenge yourselves in all areas of your life. Dare to think. Dare to succeed. To tell people when they amaze you. To ask questions. To forgive. Dare to love. We waste so much of our lives worrying and whining and wasting, and it should not take a young person's death to make us realize that. Since I never spoke these words of encouragement to Thomas before he died, I couldn't function until I knew someone would hear them. My silence will be my own struggle, and God-willing, I won't make that mistake again. Thomas left an impact on my life in a way that I would not have expected. His death only makes what he meant to me in life more clear.
...Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
When this school year started, I realized something very fast. My two junior classes (B4 and S4) are collectively the best two junior classes I have taught. (Former students, please do not get mad at me...) From early on, I sensed an eagerness to participate, an appreciation of humor, and a legitimate interest in the material, at least more often than usual. I have caught myself bragging about my juniors quite a few times this year, and I am afraid of losing the sense of camaraderie that resides in both classes when the semester ends. Amidst the new faces I have met are some faces that I knew as freshmen. I thought I would not like having students at different stages of the game, but I now know that there is a joy that is attached to seeing a student grow up, to see him understand his own identity more clearly and often to see that student care about learning and success in a sincere and different way. Throughout this year, that joy has not been more abundant than when attached to thoughts of Thomas Imel.
Thomas was an average student as a freshman, seemingly smart enough to get by, but never putting forth more effort than necessary. He was inquisitive, but he was fairly sedate in class, so I never quite knew what was going on inside his head. Maybe I always unfairly assumed he didn't care too much about English, but my impression was that he wasn't living up to his potential.
When he walked into my room again as a junior, I expected the same. Nice kid. Has a sense of humor. Won't cause trouble. Will probably get a B or a B-.
I was wrong.
All year, Thomas did his work, and he did it well. All year, Thomas asked me questions that reflected deep thought on his part, and his ability to question and think became a welcome challenge to me and to the rest of the class. All year, Thomas voiced his opinions when he felt it necessary, but no matter if he was speaking, he was always there--always with me. Somehow, in a class of booming personalities, Thomas became a quiet leader. Without ever advertising for it, people started to look to him to offer his intelligent view on any particular subject. And yes, when the time was right, he certainly wasn't afraid to argue with Alex.
And when progress reports rolled around, and I got to tell Thomas that he had an A (I didn't tell him that he had the highest grade in the class), I asked him a simple question. "So, when did you decide that you were gonna start working?" His reply,"I work at something when it matters."
I didn't tell him, but that was the best complement I have received all year.
Actually, I didn't tell him any of this. I didn't tell him how much joy it gave me that he was working so hard. I didn't let him know that I was proud of him for becoming a student who I truly respect and admire. I didn't let him know that I thought his future was bound to be something special if he chose to embrace who I thought he could be. Really, all of these thoughts have crossed my mind over the last three months, but I never voiced them.
And now, as you may know, my opportunity is gone.
Last week, Thomas was in a serious car accident, and he has been struggling for his life ever since. Today, his struggle ceased. It is actually hard for me to write it, but today, Thomas died.
Again, we must learn how to cope with one of the toughest truths of life: death. Again, we must seek solace in our faith, in our friends and family, and in the hope that no matter how deep the pain sinks, joy will somehow surface again. Again, we must learn the sobering truth that we are only promised this moment, just this one, and how dare we take it for granted.
These lessons don't get easier. I am not an expert on dealing with death. I do know that I am here if you need to talk. I do know that moving on isn't an injustice, but it rarely happens overnight. Healing is a process as is grieving, and there is no rule book to help us do it faster or more easily or with fewer tears. I do know that life continues, and we all handle these times in different ways. It's okay. I stand before you (figuratively?) as a bumbling idiot, who doesn't really know what to think or feel or say, so, I will admit my inadequacy and do what I can to help. I do know that my best gift might be to give my students the sense of normalcy that we so crave in times like these. It is okay to smile in the midst of confusion and suffering, and so, laughter I will seek to share.
I challenge you to listen to his words. I challenge you to "work at what matters." I challenge you to challenge yourselves in all areas of your life. Dare to think. Dare to succeed. To tell people when they amaze you. To ask questions. To forgive. Dare to love. We waste so much of our lives worrying and whining and wasting, and it should not take a young person's death to make us realize that. Since I never spoke these words of encouragement to Thomas before he died, I couldn't function until I knew someone would hear them. My silence will be my own struggle, and God-willing, I won't make that mistake again. Thomas left an impact on my life in a way that I would not have expected. His death only makes what he meant to me in life more clear.
...Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
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