...for lack of what is found there.

My mom had a heart attack two months ago. And that, as they say, changed everything.

Almost.

When I was five, I broke my arm. It was a pretty bad break, and it happened at the beginning of the summer. Two cracked bones. Huge cast. No swimming for the entirety of vacation. Baths with a plastic bag and my arm hanging over the edge of the tub. I headed into first grade with a smaller cast. When I got it taken off finally, my arm was pale and skinny, but otherwise, it healed marvelously. I had heard that bones often grow back stronger than they were to start, and I don't have Dr. Lantz here to confirm that, but I remember believing it when my family went to visit friends for a cookout. Until that point, my dad would always want me to shuck the corn on the cob, but he always made fun of me for how long it took because I wasn't strong enough to take much of the husk off at one time. After my arm healed, I was given the job again, and it was like I was the queen of shucking. I immediately attributed it to the fact that indeed my arm had grown back stronger.

Our physical hearts are not like that, but I think our spirits are.

Let's just say that after an extended period of time spent moping and trying to figure out what my life has become, I have decided to be stronger and better. Enter Jacqui--the new Queen of shucking the suck out of life. Poetic, eh?

This summer has been a slow blur. I don't really know what I did. I don't have as many individual memories, and I have no stories of trips or camp to share. I spent a lot of time in front of the computer, and I read a lot. I spent a lot of time thinking, and I have probably been to the grocery store 37 times. I have become a better cook. I have learned to do the dishes right after I use them and not complain. I have looked forward to Monday movie nights and Tuesday frisbee games. I have removed red meat and dairy and salt from my diet, except for all the times when I sneak away to eat ice cream with friends. I got in a wreck. I got a new car. I said goodbye to Sarah. For a week, I tried getting a tan. I've taken naps and watched a lot of Bravo, Food Network, and HGTV. I finished graduate school. I guess I do know. I have seen a lot of rain, and I have felt a lot of sunshine.

In the past few weeks, since finishing grad school, I have realized that there is no time like now for doing what you always wanted to do. It is like mom's brush with death painted me a new color. I don't think anyone would call me boring or passive, but I needed to dig deep in order to wake up. All of a sudden, there is so much more that I want. There is so much that I want to enjoy. I think it is okay that for the first time in my career I am not ready to go back to school. It isn't because I won't love it once I am there, but all of a sudden, I remembered that I am more than a teacher.

I am an actress...my first play rehearsal is tomorrow.

I am a designer...I have spent the past two weeks cleaning, organizing, and re-designing my apartment.

I am a chef...what if I want to enter cooking contests and make gourmet meals for my friends?

I am an artist...my photography business is almost up and running.

I am a friend...sharing laughs while driving to DQ and getting excited for lounging on the couch for Wednesday night TV are precious moments that I should not take for granted.

I am a daughter...I have to put my family first now, and that is finally okay with me.

I am a child of God...this one feels like a shoe that doesn't fit right now, and I think my understanding of neglect is getting in the way of my understanding of grace.

I guess that in my seemingly blank summer, I filled in the gaps. As in, had plans gone my way, I don't think I would have given myself enough time to slow down enough to be anyone new. I wish that my mom was 100% fine. I wish that she had the life she has always dreamed of, but in the midst of her heartache and our family's adjustments, I guess I feel like I am on my way to having mine.